Hope

Peter tells us we should always be ready to give a reason for the hope that we have. I've come to realize that I can't honestly give any reasons. Overall, I am not convinced of the truth of Christianity. The Bible does not seem to be an internally consistant document, nor is the Deity it describes. The Christian worldview does not provide a perspective on life that is significantly more useful than non-Christian worldviews. Christians do not seem to have anything special about them, nor does Christian community (aside from its tightness, which is something other communities, like the armed forces, can reproduce). I have not seen evidence of God making me better, changing my heart, or causing me to grow. I have matured in a morally neutral sense, but in terms of my own morality I am exactly the same as I was when I was 10. Although I have seen people change when they become a Christian, I have also seen people whose lives changed just as dramatically and just as positively without ever uttering a syllable of prayer.

The ressurrection is hard to ignore or explain away, but by itself it is not enough to be convincing to me.

However, for some reason I can't help believing the Bible is true. I am a Christian. I pray to God; I take communion. I have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ, who was God's Son and who died and was ressurrected for the sins of God's people, of whom I am one.

I don't know whether God is hanging on to me without my help, or whether I'm just too afraid to leave, but for whatever reason I'm still a Christian and I still believe all this stuff. I don't know why or for how long.